Transcript Of Video
Codependent people always are more comfortable being the helper. If they are being the helpee, if they’re the person who has a need or a want or if they are not able to take care of themselves, then they believe that you are a burden, that you are inconveniencing other people, that you are too much for anyone else to take care of. Being the helpee is probably one of the most painful experiences you can have in your life as a codependent person.
Comfortable is not even the right word here. You feel like you’re going to throw up if you have a need. You feel unbelievably bad and again, this burden right here tends to just rule your life no matter what you do.
So, you have learned how to ignore your needs, ignore your wants and you spend all of your energy moving into this role right here. You are being the helper. You’re being the guy or the gal who is always focused on everyone else. Everyone else’s problems is real. Everyone else has legitimate problems, but yours, they don’t count as much. Somehow you’re not as valuable or as important as everyone else.
Being the helper means that you are always problem-solving. It means that you are fixing. These are the roles you are most comfortable in. It means that you are always adjusting. It means that you are always evaluating, all of these things.
You have this mistaken idea that, “I’m doing all of these things and someone else is going to be very, very thankful that I’m doing that for them.” This role right here had become your identity.
It’s not even possible, at times, to imagine allowing yourself being helped because you have to be the helper and the painful reality is people really, really like you being the helper. You might get accolades all day long. You might be given actually awards. This actually might pay off for you really, really well.
The issue comes in as to choice. A healthy person can choose if they want to help or if they need to be helped, if they need to be a helpee. A codependent person, this choice right here is missing. A codependent person can’t help it. Again, sorry for the pun, they have to be the helper. They don’t have a choice anymore.
Once that choice is taken away, you recognize that you’re being held captive to this relational style called codependency and that keeps you trapped. You want to be able to balance out between being the helper and the helpee. That’s possible to do.
You can change the codependent behaviors, but it’s going to be unbelievably uncomfortable for a while as you choose to be a burden, to be an inconvenience, to be what you feel is bad. You aren’t actually that way, but it’s going to feel that way.