Transcript Of Video
One of the questions on the quiz was, when other people share a need, what do you usually do? Do you already have an idea of what they are needing or do you wait for them to tell you what they want?
If you’re co-dependent, then the 1st answer here is typically what you’re going to be doing. And it can actually bite you in the butt for a couple of reasons. When other people have a need, when they are sharing what they, when they share they have a need, if you are walking into it and making an assumption, when you make a giant assumption as to what they need instead of actually waiting for them to tell you what they want, which requires listening, and understanding.
When you start to just make an assumption, most of the time you’re going to get it wrong. And you’re going to actually be trying to fix a need that they don’t actually have. You’re going to be fixing the need that you think they have, but it doesn’t actually fix their problem. And when you’re not fixing their problem, you’re actually making things worse for them. You ever imagine that?
Even though you’re trying to help them, even though your motivation is to take that pressure, or take that pain away from them and you’re trying to help them, in reality, if you are acting co-dependently and making assumptions about what they need, you are actually hurting them. And, I know that if you’re co-dependent and if you just have a sensitive heart and you want to help people then being told that you are hurting people is not good news. But I would bet good money that you’ve been told by people that what you’re doing isn’t actually very helpful. Or they start to reject what you do, or they start to push you away because you’re not actually helping in the things that they want.
Learning how to listen, learning how to understand runs the possibility that you might not have an answer. You don’t have a solution. You’re not supposed to be able to fix every problem every person has. You’re just not that smart, I promise. You’re just not that smart. You can fix some problems but you can’t fix everything. And you might find out that when you listen and understand that you don’t actually have a solution.
But again, if you’re co-dependent when you don’t have a solution, then you’re afraid that reinforces that you have no worth, that somehow you’re not going to be wanted because you can’t fix their problem. There is more to your value then just being able to fix people’s problems. Learn how to listen, learn how to ask lots and lots of questions.
Lots of questions actually help you out in the long run. What it does also is it helps people feel like you have empathy for them, meaning you are feeling what they are feeling, and you hurt because they hurt. And actually that component right there, empathy, is what helps much, much more than actually fixing a solution.
People want to know that they matter, that their feelings matter, that they as a person matters and empathy is usually much better than assumptive fixes and problem solving. Learn how connect with empathy by asking lots, and lots, and lots of questions.