Transcript Of Video
One of the questions on the quiz was, which compliment would you rather hear? Number one, “You are so enjoyable to talk with.” Or,
“You are so dependable.”
If you are codependent, this is probably the answer you chose, and here’s why. Codependent people find their value primarily based upon what they do. It’s based upon their actions. They are constantly and perpetually trying to earn a level of acceptance and to prove just how good they are.
When you’re just sitting with someone, and they’re just enjoying you, this actually has more to do with just being. You’re not actually able to tangibly measure what you are providing into the conversation or into the relationship. It’s just simply being present with someone and accepting you for how you are and who you are.
That is actually terrifying for codependent people. Codependent people have to demonstrate or prove just how worthy they are, which is also the reason why that if they’re actions aren’t good, if they fail, if you make mistakes, if you screw up in any sort of way, then this proves, number one, that you probably aren’t dependable, and that you are, again, a bad person, that you are not going to be wanted, that you will probably be rejected.
All of these dynamics play all the time in the codependent mind. It’s actually a nice thing, it’s a good thing, to just have people enjoy you, to enjoy you as a person. You have value as a human being, not because of what you do, but because of the fact that you just exist, and that you are important and valuable and wanted.
One of the hardest things about the codependent lifestyle, as well, is you grow up learning that that actually might not be true. You might get rewarded for the things that you do. You might get rejected if you do bad things. And all of those kind of wire your brain to have this equation of worth equals activity. If I’m doing good activity, then I’m worth something.
Unfortunately, it’s those painful childhood experiences when you are growing up that actually build in or teach you these lies that you start to understand. It’s a lie that you have to earn your worth. You’re valuable enough just the way you are.