Hey, welcome to Codependency Quiz again. One of the questions on the quiz was, when someone ask you to do something, number one, is it painful to say no, or do you have the option of actually saying no?
If you’re codependent, then right here, that’s the answer you probably gave. Codependency makes it painful; it’s almost impossible to say no to something.
But a person whose healthy, they actually have an option. Now what is the option?
A person, who can’t say no is actually held hostage to the idea of yes; yes, I have to do what you want me to do; yes, I have to do what this other person wants me to do; yes, I have to do what I want to do. Actually, a codependent person actually doesn’t even factor themselves into that, but if you have, you know, five or six people all who want something done and if you’re held hostage to yes, because no seems painful; then you start to get pulled in all these directions, because you have to say yes to everything that’s happening. When that happens, you are unable to get anything done well.
A healthy person; a healthy person has the option of saying no. They recognize that they only have a limited amount of time, money, energy, all of these things and they cannot, they cannot get involved in everything.
Now, a codependent person believes that if they say no, the belief system, the flawed belief system is that they are now bad; that they are now selfish; that they are mean; that they are somehow wrong if they tell someone no.
And that is the lie; that’s actually called, the Cognitive Distortion. It’s is a lie that you tell yourself over and over and over again.
And a healthy person doesn’t believe this lie; they believe that if I say no, it’s not because I’m bad or selfish; it doesn’t mean that I am a mean person. It means, that I simply have limited resources and that I’m going to devote my time to the things that are important to me; usually things that are based upon my values.
If you want to become a healthy person, practice saying no until it stops hurting. That’s a difficult assignment.
But something you can try is if you say no and it still hurts, then you know that you’re still held hostage to yes.
See how long it takes; I had a friend of mine who took two years and he said no to everything, two whole years; and finally after two years, he was able to say no as easily as he was to say yes and when he did that, he had so much more freedom.
Freedom comes when you’re able to say no.