Transcript Of Video
Welcome to Codependency Quiz one more time.
One of the questions was, if you’ve been told that you had a dysfunctional family, did you usually agree with the person who told you that, or did you have a pretty hard time accepting it?
If you are codependent, then this is the answer you gave; you probably had a really hard time accepting it. This is again going back to some of the causes of codependency and where it comes from.
A dysfunctional family system is the number one cause of codependent relational styles. That’s because you’re more focused on meeting the emotional needs of everyone else instead of doing it the right way, which was as a child to have your emotional needs met; that’s how it was supposed to be.
The parents, who are the big people are supposed to take care of the children, who are the small people. That’s the direction it’s supposed to go; it is not supposed to go the other way around.
A child does not have the ability to meet all of the needs of a parent, because it’s just inequitable. They don’t have the same power as an adult does; a child can’t choose, you know, where they live and what they eat, and how they move through life; a parent usually controls all those things.
And so, it’s a parent’s job right here to always be making sure that they’re meeting the emotional, physical, spiritual, personal, relational needs of a child.
Now, as codependent person it’s hard, hard to accept that your family might not be perfect. Now, it might not be perfect because of, there might have been an addiction in it; it might have been abusive. And even hearing that word right there is somewhat hard. A lot of people think this is just normal; this is how my family was, but anyone else would probably tell you that was an abusive environment. That can be physically, emotionally, sexually, personally, all those kinds of things can become abusive.
And so a codependent person has a hard time just accepting the fact that these elements are part of their family.
A healthy person; a healthy person comes from a family where the parents understood and took the job seriously of meeting the needs of the child, and they had the tools to do that well. Not only did they have the desire, but they had the tools to make that happen; and they executed it well.
And if they didn’t always execute it perfectly, we know that there’s no perfect family; we know that there’s no perfect parents out there. Parents when they messed that up, they actually would learn how to come and ask forgiveness or admit that they were wrong to their children. Just by doing that, a parent comes and says, “You know what, I was wrong. I treated you poorly; I shouldn’t have yelled at you,”, or “I shouldn’t have treated you in that way.”
When a parent does that to a child, the child learns that they have worth; that they have value; that their needs are being met; that they are heard and seen, and known; and when you do that, that’s typically, not a dysfunctional family.
If those things were missing, then the chances are you’ve come from a dysfunctional family and you’re leaning towards the codependent relational style.
Now, again; this can change. You can grow out of this; you can learn how to get the tools, so you don’t pass this down to your kids. You can learn how to become a responsible parent and meet your own emotional needs now, so that you’re not expecting or putting pressure on your children to meet your needs as well.