Transcript Of Video
One of the questions on the quiz was after you help someone, you expect them to what? Be thankful and appreciative by acknowledging all the work you’ve done? Or enjoy the experience you helped create?
This one right here, the first one, is a codependent answer. This is talking about something called a covert contract. It’s when you do something for them first. After you help someone, there is an expectation that they are having to respond in some way.
You expect them to be thankful, you expect them to be appreciative, you expect them to acknowledge the work that you’ve done. You actually are doing the work, not from a place of selflessness, which is a good attitude. You’re doing it from a place of selfishness. You are trying to get something from them. It’s actually manipulative.
It is an inappropriate way to relate to someone, a covert contract, covert because it’s this kind of secret thing. You haven’t told them, “Hey, I’m going to help you, but I really want you to be thankful. I really want you to give me some accolades back right here. I’m going to do that secretly, but I have this mental contract with you. I have this expectation that if I do all of this, then you have to respond in a certain way.”
This term, covert contract, the first time I heard it was an author by the name of Robert Glover. He’s out of Seattle and he wrote a book called, “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” I highly recommend it, excellent book.
If you are healthy, you are able to help someone here and then watch them enjoy the experience that you helped create. You have no more expectations that they have to respond a certain way, do something else, or treat you in a certain way.
You’re doing it out of selflessness, and doing it out of goodwill, so that you can give them a good experience, finding this motivation to help people, letting them simply enjoy something that you’ve done with no covert contract put in place at all. That is how you can start living a much healthier life, and move out of the kind of codependent relational styles.