Transcript Of Video
If you haven’t taken the quiz you can go to codependencyquiz.com, and there’s 40 questions to help you find out how co-dependent you really are. One of the questions was taking time for yourself when other people are hurting is appropriate and enjoyable, or nearly impossible. This is going to be the answer right here if you have some co-dependent tendencies within your life.
When other people are hurting; when other people are hurting, taking time for yourself is an incredibly difficult thing to do, because there is this hard-wiring inside your brain if you’re co-dependent that says, “It is my job, it’s what makes me worthy of other people’s love, it’s how I love people and that is to fix them; I have to help them; I have to take care of them.”
That is the mentality of every co-dependent person out there and so, when someone else is hurting, if you were to actually take time for yourself it goes against every one of these hard-wiring things and so, it’s nearly impossible to relax and to take time for yourself. Taking time never feels appropriate and is never enjoyable. There’s actually a physical discomfort. You have an ache in your stomach, your muscles feel twitchy, you start to sweat, there’s a physiological reaction when you know that someone else is hurting and you can’t or you aren’t able to do anything to help them. It is impossible to relax and take time for yourself.
That’s how strong of a drive it is. These beliefs, these emotional lies that you have told yourself, that your worth is only in what you do, the job, you’re worth and the way that you show love is only in those ways, those are so deeply wired in there that it created physical discomfort.
A healthy person, it is absolutely appropriate if someone else is hurting to actually do a couple things. You can check in with them. You can just check with them and see if they’re doing OK and if they need any help and if they say no, I don’t need any help, then you trust them and you believe them and so, you give yourself permission to, again, take time for yourself in that moment. If someone else is hurting, if they don’t instigate, if they don’t initiate requesting help from you, then it is also appropriate for you to take time for yourself and to even maybe enjoy yourself, because the weight and the pain that they are experiencing, you aren’t experiencing. You understand that you are different. You understand that you are a person over here and you have feelings and they are a person over here and they might have very different feelings, but you are 2 separate people and it’s not your job to care for them anymore.
This is what is on a healthy level, possible to do once you move out of the codependent, kind of, relational style.