Transcript Of Video
We’re going through some of the questions and finding out kind of what the codependent answer is and what the healthy answer is. One of the questions was when you have something personal to share, do you keep it to yourself because it’s not really that important anyways, or do you take your time and give all the details?
As you probably guessed, right there is the codependent answer. A codependent person has a very, very difficult time disclosing anything about themselves, because there is this belief that who they are and what is inside of them is worthless, that it is not that important. And they avoid having any attention brought onto that. So they’re very good at deflecting and asking questions of everyone else. Coffee shop, sitting at Starbucks and talking, it’s not equitable.
The codependent person is asking all the questions, is doing all the listening, is very good at that, and is genuine at that, for sure. But it’s not balanced. A good, healthy relationship is about balance. It’s about sharing as much as you take in. And so, if you want to start moving towards a healthier relational style, see what it feels like to slow down your stories.
One of the things that codependent people do all the time is they truncate their stories. They give just the bare facts, and they don’t talk much at all about what actually happened, and the details, and the nuances, and all those things. They move through the story very, very fast. So if you want an assignment, take your time sharing your story.
Take twice as long as you think it should take, and give all the details, details that you don’t even think are important. What color was the thing? How long did it take? What was it like, the taste of whatever it was that you were doing? Give all the details, and see how different it changes the dynamics in the conversation. You’re going to start to find out that if you’re sitting with a healthy person…
Now if you’re sitting with a person who actually enjoys you being codependent, and they just want to give you information, then this tends not to work. But if the person you’re sitting with is closer to the healthier side as well, and they are wanting a balanced relationship, then see how it changes the dynamics in the conversation. You’re going to find out that it’s going to feel very, very different. It’s actually going to feel probably bad.
Afterwards, what’s common is, you share a story like that. You go slow, and you give all the details, and afterwards you’re going to be wanting to apologize, saying, “I’m sorry I took so much time. I’m sorry I talked about myself so much. I feel like I was bad in some way.” Again, there’s that “I’m worthless inside” belief. It’s not true.
It’s a lie. It’s a thinking error that you have held onto for most of your life. Give it a try, and see what happens, slowing down, sharing the details about your life. It actually is important. Things about you are important. You don’t know that yet, but things about you really are truly important.