Transcript Of Video
One of the questions was, in fact a longer question, where do you want to go for lunch? Do you typically respond with, “Oh, you know what, wherever you decide is okay with me, or”You know what I think I’d like to go to…” and put in your favorite eating establishment here.
If you’re codependent, then you are probably giving this first answer right here, wherever you decide is okay with me. And that’s because a codependent person does not want to run the risk of either hurting or offending anybody that they’re with, and the codependent person has this belief that if I share my needs or my wants or my desires; if I share any of those things than I might end up hurting someone else; and so they are probably some of the most indecisive people out there.
Codependent people have a really difficult time contributing to the conversation or decision-making or anything else like that. And so you just say, you know I’ll just go along with whatever.
Now even if that means you end up at a restaurant that you hate the food, you just do not like Mexican food but all your coworkers every day are heading to the favorite Mexican place and so you are stuck enduring something that you don’t like.
A codependent person believes that I will take the hurt, I will take the pain, I will take the inconvenience, and I never want to ever hurt or offend someone else.
Now this doesn’t work real good long term. I want you to know that having a healthy relational style means that it’s okay for you to express your opinions. It’s okay for you to share what you want.
And here’s what actually happens with that. When you do not share the burden or share the responsibility of making the decision, then you’re putting all of this weight on to someone else to make the decisions. You’re putting all the weight on to them to be responsible for the success or failure of the thing; and that becomes incredibly burdensome and hurtful and painful to them.
So whether you know it or not, by you deferring or becoming indecisive, even though you’re doing it because you think that you’re making it easier on the other person; in reality, you are making it much, much harder on them, typically.
Start to learn a different way of taking care of them. It’s okay for you to be concerned about their needs, but do it in a way that makes better sense. Share the responsibility; share the responsibility of whether, it’s going to be a success or a failure. Say, I’d like to go here, and if it doesn’t turn out good, then you take the responsibility of well, that was stinker of an idea, that didn’t work out again.
And the other person doesn’t have to worry about always having things right or always taking care of you.
Share the responsibility; tell someone what you want. This exercise right here is actually a fantastic practical, hands-on way to start growing and moving towards a healthy relationship.
When asked where do you want to go for lunch? Actually have an idea; I think I’d like to have this.
Now, that’s actually hard for codependent people as well; you might not actually know what you want or what you feel, so you have to go back and learn how to identify your own feelings and your needs first; but then once you do, actually put it out there and say, “I’d like to try this; I’d like to go here for this restaurant,.” and see what happens.
It might actually turn out really well for you.