Transcript Of Video
One of the questions on the quiz was “As you were growing up”. The first answer, it was up to you to keep the family functioning, or the second answer it was up to your parents to keep the family functioning. If you grew up where it was your job to keep the family functioning then chances are you have learned how to be codependent.
Heres the problem with this scenario. As a child you are powerless. You really don’t have any ability to change the physical world around you. If you are hungry, if you are tired, if you need a place to stay you are totally dependant upon the adults in your life, the parents in your life, to provide those things. You can’t go out and get a job. You can’t just get up and leave the house and go put a good roof over your head. You can’t really change anything and so as a child you you learn how to adapt. You learn function in certain situations that are sometimes less than ideal.
One of the things if you have had parents who have had strong emotional, or even physical dysfunction- this could be addiction in some way, this could be abuse- This is what you have been growing up with, what your parents have been wrestling with. Then because they cannot learn to maintain their own emotional or physical condition then a child adapts very early and says: it is my job to keep the family functioning. I have to keep everyone happy. I have to keep everyone safe. I have to take care of my siblings. I have to make sure that I am never a problem.
Which now means as a child you never express your needs you never ask for what you want. Children have lots of needs and thats good and appropriate for them to express that. But again if parents don’t have any capacity to care for themselves then how are they going to have the capacity to deal with their child’s needs. And so to make it safe when you were growing up you learned that it was your job to keep the family functioning.
That is not how it is supposed to be. Parents are supposed to be able to know how to care for themselves, and to actually do that. They are supposed to be disciplined, they are supposed to be self disciplined so that they keep themselves healthy and therefore are able to keep you as a child healthy. This is their job not yours, and if it was a little bit backwards then its going to take a little bit of time on your part to unlearn some of those lessons.
Also to learn how to relate to yourself, and adults, and the world around you in a different way. You need to learn how to not be codependent and now become INdependent, that is what you are called to do, that is a healthy option and it is very very possible for you.